Absence of an Important One.

Absence of an Important One.

This whole write up is totally a tribute to someone whom I consider my god. It deals with tides and effortlessness of the inner shelf. Here are question and answer to those.

Q1. How does it feel to lose someone very important to you?

A.     It feels like nothing until I stop to think about it. As long as I have work, near-by goals, duty-stress; it feels like nothing, the world is just ordinary and has nothing to wonder in depth about and I am just an ordinary guy/resource like those billions.

Though, when I stop to ponder over, it feels like I’m surrounded in mist that seeks to burn my skin, I want to see, touch or hug him but I cannot even listen to his soothing voice. Its like you are tied to chains that holds yourselves from falling into the open death valley; you want to jump into, kill yourselves but cannot. There are things that that he used to with me that I miss now and deeply possesses wish to be with him glazing at he clear starry night skies for an indefinite time.

Q2. How can you describe all this?

A.     My Father left us a few months before leaving in a dreadful situation. I had my Intermediate boards back in those day. I had very less to ponder over these and I kept myself more toward the exams. But now, I have lots of time to feel his absence.

Q3. What were the moment when you wanted to meet him?

A.     Almost every morning, I want his palm to press my face to remind me that I have been over sleeping. His fingers ha very special design that was just handsome like him; though they no longer touch, directs or tickles me.  I think over the days we enjoyed together and desire of returning to those.

My daddy never came to drop me o the exam centre or even take me back. Being there at the centre, waiting for the entry or dismissal was one such point when I deadly wanted to tell him how I have prepared or how well I wrote my papers. I had so much to just tell him but he was no-where there, not even to hear me as one way.

Then there were result days, I score a 92.6% in my boards; when my father has left me a couple of day before to do his funeral duties and his absence for forever. I was his only male child and so is the fire provider. Okay, he was very sick in those days but what is so intelligence in leaving a kid for his exams with a pseudo thought of bringing obstacle. Because of this one plan of his leaving me to tackle, I had just half of the time provided to give a last layering to my preparation.

Every time I’m back from classes, I want to tell him what I’m back with; the new that I learnt, the new people I met or an on-route incident. But he is nowhere here and so I’m left with just pity for myself.

There are many more such incidence that I may add up as soon as I re-notice those.

Q4. Describe something about him.

A.     When my world was small I used to think of being like him, to follow the greatest person who can ever be in my vision, but the world grew with me, I came to know about Aircrafts, NASA, Red-Cross and Journalism and so did my interest turned to become a Pilot, Astronaut, Psychiatrist and lastly an Author. Thought he lived with us; I argue but followed him for most of the times. Every time we had a walk to market, his office of anywhere I used to look over his steps and matched those irrespective of what issues/demerits the path had. I was sure of him saving me in any situation; I was fearless; all I did was to keep up pace he decided. Then one day he left me without even directions. I’m totally lost and full unsecure of the path I am choosing. He asked me to sit for CLAT in last few months of his, but I failed there. I have good chances for DU, but I’m insecure. I choose the most common one, least risks and the least joyous one. I don’t know much but he was much better than most of the parents I have met in many ways.  Throughout the life I made him feel lame about me, I was a shame for him and had no expectations from me, but inside he believed in me and motivated even after seeing my score going in negatives. In his words “You are perfect in your work but you do too many minor mistakes that lead to your failure. Find out those and we will correct those.”

Holy, I cannot ever cry my best, it is causing stress and pain in my eyes.

To be continued….